Our Visit To Bay Wolf Restaurant. Oakland

Some meals are so delicious or so surprising you want to share them with everyone. Since I can't share my previously eaten dinner, I thought about posting a Restaurant Review. We are spending a long weekend in Oakland with my lovely sister-in-law and her equally lovely husband who have lived in the bay area for over 20 years. We try to come up here at least once a year but never come as often as we would like. Northern California and especially the bay area are so seductive. I can see why people move here: the food, the cool weather, the cosmopolitan and somehow European feel, the beatiful old houses instead of mass housing developments, the food. Hmm, did I say that one twice? Yes, the food! Last night my sister-in-law tells my husband to take me out to dinner while they watch our girls. We pour thru food magazines and see tons of interesting restaurants and my sister-in-law proceeds to share even more suggestions, some a bit farther afield in neighboring areas, but still
very many in a short drive here in Oakland. Amazing to have so many tasty choices, not a one a mass homogenized chain reataurant! (Have I blogged yet about the dismal crappy food options in my little hometown of Simi?) My sister-in-law even called around and found us a last minute reservation! My only regret was that a number of places that sounded delicious were closed on Sundays and out of the running.

Eventually, on the advice of my sister-in-law, we settled on Bay Wolf, right here in Oakland, with a reservation within 30 minutes. We arrived almost on time (with a bit of a delay for us spoiled So Cal residents as we searched for a parking spot on the street). The restaurant was sort of unassuming with a neat covered patio as you enter, almost fully enclosed, and a more traditional space behind. We opted for inside since it was stinking cold tonight! They led us immediately to a small table for 2 in the corner, which sounds kind of cramped but was actually pretty nice (fairly quiet and private and plenty of room for 2). The service was prompt and I never waited long for a water refill or for anything.

The menu selection was seasonal and limited, but I had some difficulty deciding what to order which is always a good sign. They have some appetizers but also some dishes that can be ordered as a small plate or a dinner portion.

We settled on the Early Girl and shell bean salad with arugula, manchego cheese and basil vinaigrette for my starter and my husband ordered the Duck liver flan with grilled Acme bread, cornichons and and olives. I must say I love me some duck liver and the flan was delish and not flan-like (which was good because I pictured me some duck liver egg custard). It was smooth, creamy and full of flavor with some lovely peppercorns for some spice. It came the the olives and cornichons and also some red pickled onions (I think they were pickled). The Acme toast was wonderful too and perfect for spreading with liver. The real surprise was the salad, however. I am not a big veggie person although I was in the mood for salad tonight, BUT this salad was delicious and I wanted to lick the plate the basil vinaigrette was so scrumptious. The tomatoes were fresh and flavorful. The greens were tasty. The beans and the manchego cheese. Wow it all just came together beautifully that it was on
e amazing salad. (I have to add that my other observation was that this was the first meal with my husband where I thought both of our dishes were the best. I am usually pretty judgemental and leave the restairant thinking my dish was better than yours or his dish was way better than mine!)

For our main courses, I chose the Goat cheese-stuffed peppers with black beans and rice, avocado and salsa fresca and my hsuband went with the Slow-cooked coriander-scented pork roast with grilled escarole and sherry. I thought the peppers were spicy and delicious which is pretty high praise considering I don't really like goat cheese! They were packed with flavor. I just wished they had more of an acid component and think if they had put more salsa fresca on the plate it would have been perfect. My husband loved his pork and said it was cooked perfectly. I thought it was flavorful and very tender for a big slice of pork.

We were both stuffed and decided we would only get dessert if something on the dessert menu thrilled us so we did order the Bittersweet chocolate soufflé cake with Earl Grey crème anglaise and chocolate sauce. Unfortunately, I wish we had passed. Frankly, something with souffle in the title should be warm and lovely and fluffy, but what showed up was a very nice flourless cake. I am over flourless cakes. I did not feel this dessert was worth the calories I ingested or the exercise I will have to do to work it off!

However, the rest of the meal was fabulous and I would highly recommend Bay Wolf to anyone near Oakland. You can check out there website at: http://www.baywolf.com

This Should Be...School Behavior, Reward Charting, and General Confusion, Part 2!!!

After blogging the other day about my youngest and my struggles to figure out how to help her navigate the school system and follow the rules in kindergarten, I also had to opportunity to discuss this with a friend of mind and I realized another larger problem I face.  I wonder how to name this dilemma. It feels so huge and such a huge part of many of my parental conflicts.  This is the big question I face almost daily.  Do I raise my kids to embrace the values I have used to guide my life and the values that the majority of our society and culture embraces or do I raise my kids to embrace the values I am working on developing that seem more conducive to happiness and a better balanced life?  I think most days I lean toward the later, however, this is one of those things that is much more difficult to do than to talk about.
 
In reflection, I could probably mine this topic for a lifetime of blog posts.  However, my discussion with my friend last night made me realize that most of the time I think my youngest is pretty amazing.  I really do not want to mess her up!  Deep down I think that most children are pretty good at living in the moment and enjoying life and then society takes them in hand and in the interest of education and the belief that we need to guide children in learning how to follow the expected rules, we crush their healthy little spirits and turn them into achievement driven unhappy adults.
 
I also think that the push to make our children learn more and do more at an early age does not seem to be working.  The generations after mine do not seem that much smarter, more successful, and certainly not any happier than my cohorts.  America does not seem to be developing in a positive way in any area from my own observations, and I am not blaming any generation for that fact, just noting that our pressure to educate and mold the children of America does not seem to be benefiting the children themselves or our society in any way that I can see.
 
Unfortunately, I was raised to be the ever-obedient, overachieving, good student and citizen, and every day I fight the urge to value achievement and productivity over intrinsic values like family, love, happiness, pleasure, and so on.  So there is a strong part of me that expects my children to excel in the school system.  I want my children to have the good grades, the good behavior reports, the fancy certificates, the praise from the teacher, etc.  Therefore, I feel like a bad mom when the notes come home from the teacher or the report card grades are not "straight A's."  As I write this I feel sort of sickened to find this is so important to me.  On the other hand, I clearly see teachers, professionals, and other parents, who would gladly judge me and hold me out as a terrible mother if I stopped encouraging my children to excel.
 
It seems pretty clear to me that the American school system promotes unhealthy learning habits for children, but I also feel hopeless at times on how to navigate the system.  Why do five- and six-year-olds have daily homework when there brains and bodies would be better served by playing?  Why do I hear of elementary school children falling asleep during homework?  Why is my child able to complete all of her school work in 30 minutes, but is criticized daily in a socially-acceptable way (behavior chart) because she would rather do what she wants to do rather than follow the kindergarten schedule?  However, even if there were a good way to opt out of this school system, will my children be at a disadvantage?  And if so, in which way?  Is it my responsibility to see my children can follow the demands of the society we currently live in, even if most people seem pretty miserable living by these demands?  I run into people daily who spend more time
living up to the demands of others than they do to their own needs.  I have spent most of my career teaching people to actually care for themselves in some way.  Why does our country excel in creating human beings who value success and productivity over meeting their own basic human needs?
 
Okay, I feel myself getting too philosophical in this blog post, and think it is time to end this and send it out into the universe.  I hope it makes some people think about ways we can reshape the world and the American school system.  For me, at least it helps to remind me that although a part of me wants my children to excel at everything, I should spend more time thinking about the lessons I really believe my child should be learning and finding ways to cultivate those lessons rather than just letting society and the school system override the lessons I have learned over my entire life.

School Behavior, Reward Charting, and General Confusion!!

I have two beautiful daughters, age 8 and 6. School has always been a bit of a challenge for me due to their unique skills and abilities and my status as a full-time working mom. (Let's not even talk about my positive history for perfectionism and overachievement in schoolwork). My most recent challenge has been to survive my youngest daughter's entrance into kindergarten. I don't think I am exaggerating when I say my girl is smart. She is very smart, reading well before start of kindergarten. She is pretty outgoing and sweet too.

HOWEVER, she does seem to have a lot of difficulty with sitting down, following rules, and focusing on what the teacher thinks is important. Now, these problems have been around since before kindergarten. In preschool, we had a fabulous teacher who loved and appreciated Sofia, but also worked with her to help keep her on track. I suspect I might have a few blog posts on her preschool days. I remember walking in to preschool and feeling oh so frustrated after getting the "What am I going to so with Sofia?" head shake.

I still believe that children develop at different rates in all areas. I hope that in time Sofia's weak areas will develop and even out in comparison to her strong ones. However, the school system does not seem to share my vision on child development (and at times, i do believe that the school system seems not to care much about any well-documented child development beliefs). I want to say here that this is no reflection on my daughter's teacher. I do feel that Sofia's teacher does have to put in way more effort to keep her on task in addition to her primary job of teaching 24 kindergarten students.

Okay, so this is not entirely a venting session.  It is actually a bid for help! I suppose in the perfect world I would have blogged for years about Sofia's development, her successes, and her challenges in school. But get real, I barely have to time to keep up with the minimum here people!

The issue today is my most recent behavior note I received from the teacher. We have tried a simple smiley face/frowney face chart, a red/yellow/green light system, and our newest behavioral system developed by the teacher. The teacher rates Sofia on 3 global behaviors: following directions, completing work, and focusing/listening. Sofia's day is broken into 5 time frames with a rating for each behavior 5 times per day. So basically she has 15 boxes to be rated as smiley or frowny. Since this chart system started, we have had good days and bad days and I can find little pattern to the madness. I have not found any link between better days/worse days and sleep, food, encouragement, etc. She did do better the one day I took off work and sat with her all day (but then I did what I do at home for homework and sat right next to her and basically redirected her as soon as she wandered off).

Anyway, enough with the context! I just wanted to share one of my recent behavior charts. Sofia received 15 frowney faces! Fifteen! The comments from the teacher were the following: "Sofia had a difficult day today.  I repeatedly asked her to finish her work but she continued to be unfocused and pay around. After lunch I sent her to the office to finish her work. Amazingly she finished all her work for the day in 30-45 minutes." So...what the he** does this mean?

With my training and work history, I have long pondered the diagnosis of ADHD.  I would say both my children show signs of attention problems. Do the meet the diagnostic criteria for ADHD? I don't think so and frankly the diagnostic criteria for ADHD is pretty vague anyway. Sofia has always had difficulty focusing. Her problem seems to be that she wants to focus on what she finds interesting or important to the exclusion of anything else.

I fully understand why it might be hard to focus on your work with a classroom full of interesting things and people. I find it shocking more children don't have this problem in kindergarten. And I could see a child being able to focus in the school office which is probably quieter than the classroom. But the fact that she does the entire days school work in 30-45 minutes without supervision sort of stumps me.

No matter how hard I try to set better realistic goals for myself as a person and a mother, this still bugs the crap out of me. I hate not knowing how to handle things or feeling like everything you try does not seem to make a difference. I want to be the kind of person who just enjoys the moment, but I was raised to be an overachiever who craves perfection and reward for good behavior. I have always been a person filled with contradictions. I hate that stupid word balance. BUT, how do you balance the need for your child to learn to follow rules and achieve because the world does value and judge you on those variables with the need to appreciate the unique and wonderful person you already are (great for happiness but may or may not lead to school or career success).

Okay, input appreciated now that I have rambled on with some of my thoughts.  Any comments appreciated below!!

Carpool Craziness

My children go to a public school. However, it is a special public school where parents had to submit their child's name to a lottery prior to kindergarten to gain entry. Hence, almost none of the children live in the school neighborhood. So far, we love the school and find that both girls are receiving a great education and many additional extracurricular activities they might not have found at our neighborhood school.


One of the huge drawbacks to our school, are the parking and drop off/pick up situations. Typical to most local elementary schools, the parking lot barely provides spots for the teachers and staff. Since almost every child has to be transported via vehicle to the school every morning, drop off is a zoo. The school tries to minimize the whole operation, but somehow every morning I have to practice anger management to survive the whole process and make it in to work on time.


Today, my coping method of choice will be to bitch copiously. Frankly, I am tired of being the rational parent who follows the rules when I just feel like screaming. Remember, my oldest is in 3rd grade, so this is year 4 of the daily debacle. I can not comprehend why parents can not follow the simple drop off procedure. They actually have three separate drop-off zones. Drive into the drop off area and pull as far forward as possible, shove your kid out of the car, and move on once safe and the car in front of you leaves, right?


Alas, the idiots at my school can't seem to do any of this. We have the parents who just pull in, park their car, and exit the vehicle to actually walk their kid to class, leaving their huge SUV sitting in the middle of the too small drop off zone. (…and I do not care if you have a child too young to walk alone to their class. If this is you, go park your darn car on the street like you are supposed to and then walk your child to class!) We have the parents who pull in, but still exit their car and help children out of vehicle or take things from the trunk, or stand and have long conversations with their children in the drop off zone. My favorite today was the dad who actually dropped off his two children in a timely fashion and actually stayed in his vehicle, only to then slowly inch by inch follow his kids as they slowly walked toward the school entrance, while the rest of us were unable to drop off our children because we were stuck behind him as he slooowly moved. I know I sound like a cranky bitch but I have years of anger here to let out.


I could go on and on complaining about the traffic jam of trying to exit the school with drop off zones full of idiot parents who can't follow rules on 3 sides of the campus, the parents who illegally double park or create parking spaces to suit their needs, or the parents making illegal turns and maneuvers to secure what is best for their family everyone else be damned.


Actually, I do spend way too much time contemplating why this happens every morning over and over again. Do you think these parents really don't understand the rules? I don't think so myself. Do you think they feel that the needs of others are less important than their own? Now, this I am more inclined to believe. Is this yet another situation where people think they are raising kids with good self esteem, but actually are just teaching their kids that the rights of one outweigh the rights of others? I suspect there might be some other explanations. Do you have one?

Birthdays, Perfectionism, Reality Check

So I have had birthday parties on my brain of late.  I find birthdays (at least for my kids) inherently stressful.  Birthdays, or at least the planning thereof, stress me out.  I do enjoy entertaining, but my resting level of perfectionism, combined with anxiety related to planning an event whereby others may judge me, combined with the anxiety of wanting my child to have a wonderful and memorable birthday, usually yields crazy-making levels of stress.   Sofia turns 6 in April.  For some reason, my lovely baby girl number two has not benefited much from my birthday anxiety.  (Emma, the first-born, has had some memorable although crazed-mama parties.)  Sofia had the big "Baby Turns One" party, of course, but I doubt she remembers that event.  I think I convinced her a trip to Disneyland would be a good way to celebrate a birthday or two to avoid the whole party planning craziness.  Of course, if mom also gets a trip to Disneyland in the process, who am I to mind?  The end result of this haphazard party planning is that my guilt over doing less than my first-born means I worry way too much over every successive birthday.   I just realized that Sofia's 6th birthday will occur during Spring Break and a previously scheduled trip.  I figured out I'd have to actually have her birthday celebration at least the week before our trip and that is in March, exactly two months away and clearly into the "planning window."  Now for me, two months before the actual event seems like it would be sufficient to plan an actual party.  Somehow I use this timeline every year.  Yet, every year I am reminded that I must be radically different from other moms in my area.  (You think with all of the data I process on a regular basis confirming this fact, I would just accept this, but alas I still find it mind-boggling.)    Sofia mentioned a gymnastic party.  Unfortunately, the gym I used for one of Emma's party's closed over a year ago.  Today, 2 months before the date, I called the other gym in town to find my prospective date booked, as well as the week before and the week after.  How do these moms do it?  Do they really manage parenting, work, home, marriage, health, etc., etc., etc. and find time to book their kid's parties more than 2 months in advance?  I think this happens to me at least once a year with each child, which may also be why we tend to have a lot of parties at home.   I do dream of having the "outside the home" birthday party every year.  You know, the fantasy of planning a party for your child where they have a fabulous time and you do nothing?  Perhaps snap a few pictures, and bask in the glory of the perfect party?  Somehow I have never achieved that goal.  Even when I have attempted such a feat, I mess it up by adding on some drama and craziness.  Remember the previously-mentioned gym party for my older daughter?  Just show up with a cake and snacks and they do the rest?  I invited everyone and even more guests to the house after for a huge BBQ.  Actually, I think that was the only time I ever had a chance at a work-free or work-limited party.  The only other time we had a party away from home was a party in August in the park.  Emma had a great time, but carting party stuff to the hot park was a stupid stupid idea (especially when we had a pool at home and could have been swimming rather than sweating).   Okay, I have meandered around in this post and really am not sure what has been resolved at this point.  I know I should KISS or Keep It Simple Stupid.  I should come up with an easy way to celebrate my daughter and help her feel special and enjoy her family and friends.  I know I usually make it much harder than I have to.  I have learned that no matter how much I worry over tiny details and party faux pas, my daughters have rarely noticed.  I know no matter how much I aspire to be on top of the details in my life, like birthdays and parties, I should just be happy with the details I do stay on top of which I know I must have some, right?  Okay, clearly still not resolved about anything as yet.  What about you?  Are you happy with your party planning solutions?  Do you have any suggestions on the best way to celebrate birthdays for kids?

Failure, Perfectionism, Life

I have been avoiding this blog for months now. I just can't seem to find a way to balance work, life, home, parenting, relationships, and personal expression. I don't understand how other people manage it all. Today, I feel life balance is an unrealistic expectation. I know with this blog I started to work on developing it into something more cohesive and i think that it just became too much for me. When my blog was just an experiment of self expression, without any deadlines or structure, I seemed to be able to fit it in somehow. Once I added weekly demands and structure, it became yet another task on my always too long "to-do" list.

I don't have the answers today and I have thought about deleting this blog and giving up. However, I just don't feel it in me today to give up. I doubt that anyone is reading my ramblings or has even noticed my absence, but I plan to go back to posting about my life as it happens. You might see some posts every week, but I have no plans to make myself blog unless I feel like blogging about something.

While I am being honest, I have had some really horrible experiences this year. I am not sure whether I will ever blog about any of them, but I have learned that it is hard to express yourself or relate to people when there is so much inside you that you don't feel you can share. Too much pain, sadness, fear, worry...

I started out this year with a goal of gratitude. I still think that is an important pursuit, but I suspect the rest of the year is going to be more of an exercise in honesty.

Manic Mondays - Some General Life Lessons to Enjoy Life and Do Less!

Manic Mondays are all about slowing down and enjoying your life. This week I found some words of wisdom from another chain letter. I hate the crap that proliferates my email in-box, but every now and then, I find some of it holds some good reminders of how to live better. This gem arrived from a new-old friend rediscovered thanks to Facebook, Veronica. Here are some good life suggestions that arrived in my inbox today direct from her:

1 . Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to the angels/god/goddesses/buddha/allah/the sky, about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. Time heals everything - but you may have to ask a power greater than yourself to help.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.


May you be blessed in every way.

Well-Being Wednesday - Sleep Well and Prosper

This week on Well-Being Wednesday I thought I would write a bit on sleep (or the lack thereof). Again, I am pulling ideas that seem to be of interest to me! Sleep loss has a tremendous affect on your well-being. Sleep loss affects your brain functioning, including your attention, concentration, memory, decision-making abilities and other executive functions.

Many studies have found a relationship between the quantity and quality of one's sleep and many health problems. For example, insufficient sleep affects growth hormone secretion that is linked to obesity. As the amount of hormone secretion decreases, the chance for weight gain increases. Sleep loss can even affect your heart and blood pressure. Blood pressure usually falls during the sleep cycle. However, interrupted sleep can adversely affect this normal decline, leading to hypertension and cardiovascular problems. Research has also shown that insufficient sleep impairs the body's ability to use insulin, which can lead to the onset of diabetes. More and more scientific studies are showing correlations between poor and insufficient sleep and disease.

Advanced sleep loss or insomnia is best dealt with by getting help. Talk to your doctor or see a specialist. However, many people can be helped with some simple behavioral changes. Below are some tips for having better “sleep hygiene.”

Sleep only when you are sleepy.

This reduces the time you are awake in bed.

If you can't fall asleep within 20 minutes, get up and do something until you feel sleepy.

Sit quietly in the dark or read the warranty on your refrigerator. Don't expose yourself to bright light while you are up. The light gives cues to your brain that it is time to wake up.

Don't take naps.

This will ensure that you are tired at bedtime. If you just can't make it through the day without a nap, sleep less than one hour, and before 3 pm.

Get up and go to bed the same time every day.

Do this even on weekends! When your sleep cycle has a regular rhythm, you will feel better.

Refrain from exercise at least 4 hours before bedtime.

Regular exercise is recommended to help you sleep well, but the timing of the workout is important. Exercising in the morning or early afternoon will not interfere with sleep.

Develop sleep rituals.

It is important to give your body cues that it is time to slow down and sleep. Listen to relaxing music, read something soothing for 15 minutes, have a cup of caffeine free tea, or do relaxation exercises.

Only use your bed for sleeping.

Refrain from using your bed to watch TV, paying bills, working, or reading. So when you go to bed your body knows it is time to sleep. Sex is the only exception.

Stay away from caffeine, nicotine and alcohol at least 4-6 hours before bed.

Caffeine and nicotine are stimulants that interfere with your ability to fall asleep. Coffee, tea, cola, cocoa, chocolate and some prescription and non-prescription drugs contain caffeine. Cigarettes and some drugs contain nicotine. Alcohol may seem to help you sleep in the beginning as it slows brain activity, but you will end up having fragmented sleep.

Have a light snack before bed.

If your stomach is too empty, that can interfere with sleep. However, if you eat a heavy meal before bedtime, that can interfere as well. Dairy products and turkey contain tryptophan, which acts as a natural sleep inducer. Tryptophan is probably why a warm glass of milk is sometimes recommended.

Take a hot bath 90 minutes before bedtime.

A hot bath will raise your body temperature, but it is the drop in body temperature that may leave you feeling sleepy.

Make sure your bed and bedroom are quiet and comfortable.

A hot room can be uncomfortable. A cooler room along with enough blankets to stay warm is recommended. If light in the early morning bothers you, get a blackout shade or wear a slumber mask. If noise bothers you, wear earplugs or get a "white noise" machine.

Use sunlight to set your biological clock.

As soon as you get up in the morning, go outside and turn your face to the sun for 15 minutes.


How much sleep do you really need? You might want to read this from the National Sleep Foundation:
http://www.sleepfoundation.org/site/c.huIXKjM0IxF/b.2417325/k.3EAC/How_Much_Sleep_Do_We_Really_Need.htm

Manic Mondays - Assert Yourself

For my Manic Monday topic today, I thought I would present some information on ways to be more assertive in your life. One reason many of us find our lives so overwhelming is because we fail to assert our own needs. It may seem easier to be passive and to focus on the needs of others but failing to assert your own needs will eventually lead to problems. If you find that you never assert your needs or wants, you might want to explore the reasons behind this. However, many of us know how to be assertive in certain situations or with certain people, but have difficulty with other situations or other people. If this is the case, please read on for some general suggestions to guide your attempts to be more assertive.

1. Saying yes and no: Learning to say yes and no appropriately, with care to both yourself and the person that you are addressing is a powerful tool in assertive behavior. Knowing what you want is also important. We can often be confused about situations, and may say yeas meaning no; or say no when we mean yes. In a demanding society like ours, it is important to give ourselves the space to decide what we want and how we might say that without hurting others.

2. “I” statements: If you want to get a message to someone clearly, you need to consider how he or she is receiving your message. All too often when you have something difficult to say, you will manipulate the words so that it appears that the difficulty is coming from elsewhere. Using sentences that begin with me, or “I”, is the best way of overcoming this problem. Owning our thoughts and feelings is crucial in assertiveness. Personalizing our statements means that they cannot be disregarded; they are ours and as such are important!

3. Changing “should” into “could”: Central to being assertive is the notion that we have choices. Many people, however, believe that there are too many things that they should do, and this lack of choice prevents them from being more assertive. If you write a list of all the things you should do, there would probably be at least 10 things on it. But think again- what do you HAVE TO DO on that list? How many of those things have come from other people? How many of them are what others have told you that you should do? Now turn the list upside down. Write out all the things that you would do because you want to do them. How many are left? Why are the others not there? Why should you do them? This concept is mind-blowing to many people. But it is a simple one to incorporate into life.

4. Changing ‘know’ into ‘imagine’: One of the things that people often get into the habit of doing is making assumptions about others and their thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Changing the words “I know…” to “I imagine…” can have a tremendous impact on a situation because you are making clear what is fact and what is fantasy. It is also important not to project you ideas onto others, which is often unwittingly done when we use the words “I know”.

5. Changing questions to statements: It is important to use questioning statements, but don’t be lulled into using them constantly so you do not have to say what you think. Use affirmative statements that start with “I feel” or “I think” so others are clear about where you stand.

6. Start believing in yourself: Believe that you can’t make a mistake- you can only do things in a way that seems most appropriate given all the information and experience that you have at the time. Think about it, if you thought there was a better way of doing it you would have done it, wouldn’t you? Don’t give up trying to be more assertive, each situation is different and a new chance to get it right.

7. See the positive instead of the negative: We have choices all the time. It’s easy to have a hard day every day by the language we use. Try and change the following:

I’ve had a terrible day…The day has been tough, but I’ve learnt a lot.
It’s an uphill struggle…I’m nearly there, halfway there.
I’m finding it hard…It’s not easy

8. Using affirmations: A good way of putting the positive into your life is to create affirmations for yourself. Think about how you would like to be, and write them in a way that suggests you are already there e.g. I am lovable or I am happy with my life. Stick them in places around the house that you will see often, and say them out loud.

9. Assertiveness and body language: How you look at someone conveys how you feel about yourself and what you are saying. People often give their power away by looking away, and defiant and aggressive people show their feelings by directing them straight at the person. Your body language and tone of voice should show you are grounded, relaxed and present.

10. Dealing with conflict assertively: Conflict situations usually arise because of a lack of assertion on the part of one or both parties. Dealing with this takes courage. Most people tend to leave a problem and hope that it will right itself. Rather than taking the conflict as a personal feedback, join with the other person in working towards a win/win situation. You may well find that despite hostile beginnings or personal dislike, a mutually acceptable outcome can be found. Keep a clear picture of yourself and the other person, which is separate from the issue. It is easy to get wrapped up in personal clashes. Take one issue at a time- don’t let people rake up last week’s gripe. Stop them and deal with one issue at a time. Once dealt with don’t let them bring it up again next week! Look and listen to each other- tricky, but important. Be creative with possible outcomes. Find a mutually convenient time to discuss them. Make sure you understand each other by writing them down. Finally, appreciate the talents of others. We are beautifully created human beings, with faults, each and every one of us, have the courage to admit both.

11. Giving and receiving feedback: It is important to listen to feedback carefully rather than reject it or argue. Having heard the feedback decide on its value and the evidence to back it up. Acknowledge it and decide whether you are going to change your behavior as a result. If you feel the feedback is invalid then dispute the feedback positively and assertively. When you are giving feedback, try and think through why you are giving it before you start. What are you trying to achieve? Make sure the feedback it firmly rooted in “I” statements so that it is clear that it is your opinion and not someone else’s. Make sure your body language reflects clarity and direction.

Well-Being Wednesday - 8 Simple Ways to Minimize Stress

For Well-being Wednesday, I thought I would continue with some stress management. Since last week's blog was a tad on the long side, I thought this week should be "short but sweet" and focus on ways to cope better with the stress already in your life.

Simple modifications in posture, habits, thought, and behavior often go a long way toward reducing feelings of stress and tension. Here are 8 quick and simple things you can do immediately to help keep your stress level under control.

1. Control Your Anger:

Watch for the next instance in which you find yourself becoming annoyed or angry at something trivial or unimportant, then practice letting go - make a conscious choice not to become angry or upset. Do not allow yourself to waste thought and energy where it isn't deserved. Effective anger management is a tried-and-true stress reducer.

2. Breathe:

Although this was discussed in detail last week, Breathing is very helpful for counteracting the negative effects of stress. Breathe slowly and deeply. Before reacting to the next stressful occurrence, take three deep breaths and release them slowly. If you have a few minutes, try out breathing exercises such as meditation or guided imagery.

3. Slow Down:

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by stress, practice speaking more slowly than usual. You'll find that you think more clearly and react more reasonably to stressful situations. Stressed people tend to speak fast and breathlessly; by slowing down your speech you'll also appear less anxious and more in control of any situation.

4. Complete One Simple To Do:

Jump start an effective time management strategy. Choose one simple thing you have been putting off (e.g. returning a phone call, making a doctor's appointment) and do it immediately. Just taking care of one nagging responsibility can be energizing and can improve your attitude.

5. Get Some Fresh Air:

Get outdoors for a brief break. Our grandparents were right about the healing power of fresh air. Don't be deterred by foul weather or a full schedule. Even five minutes on a balcony or terrace can be rejuvenating.

6. Avoid Hunger and Dehydration:

Drink plenty of water and eat small, nutritious snacks. Hunger and dehydration, even before you're aware of them, can provoke aggressiveness and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and stress.

7. Do a Quick Posture Check:

Hold your head and shoulders upright and avoid stooping or slumping. Bad posture can lead to muscle tension, pain, and increased stress.

8. Recharge at the Day’s End:

Plan something rewarding for the end of your stressful day, even if only a relaxing bath or half an hour with a good book. Put aside work, housekeeping or family concerns for a brief period before bedtime and allow yourself to fully relax. Don't spend this time planning tomorrow's schedule or doing chores you didn't get around to during the day. Remember that you need time to recharge and energize yourself - you'll be much better prepared to face another stressful day.

Manic Mondays - How to Ask for Help

As a busy parent (or really anyone today who is over-scheduled and over-whelmed), you may be on your own, but you don't have to do it all alone! Asking for help builds community and teaches valuable life lessons. Begin with these steps, and you'll find that asking for help isn't as painful as you'd imagined.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: The time it takes to make a phone call!


Here's How:

Let Go of Your Need to Be Perfect
The first step is to let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself to do it all on your own. Look at the people around you. Aren't there other people who receive regular help from friends, family, anyone? There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Needing help is not a sign of weakness or failure!

Be Honest With Yourself
What is most disturbing to you about asking for help? Do you think asking for help gives the impression that you're not capable of doing it all on your own? Are you afraid that needing help might confirm what someone else is trying to say about you? Are you afraid you'll "owe" someone? Try to identify what it is that you resist when it comes to asking others for help.

Redefine Strength
The strongest people are not necessarily the ones who seem to be able to do it all on their own. Authentic strength includes an awareness of your personal strengths and weaknesses and the ability to recruit assistance in the areas where you need it most.

Be Optimistic
Believe that people around you want to help; because, in most cases, they do. If your friends, family, neighbors and co-workers realized you had a specific need, many of them would jump at the chance to help out. Maybe you've "known" your neighbor for eight years, but she has no idea that you're going through a difficult time right now. Believe that if she knew your need, she wouldn't hesitate to help.

Take a Risk
As humbling as it can be, asking for help can also provide an amazing opportunity to "get real" with the people around you. When they, in return, do the same thing, you may be surprised to find yourself developing exactly the type of deep, meaningful friendships you've always wanted to cultivate. That's enriching, but it doesn't happen without the willingness to take a risk and be real.

Start With One Need
Begin by focusing on one area of your life where you could use some support. Maybe it's getting some help around the house, or maybe you could use some help fixing a leaky faucet in the bathroom. Start by asking for help with one specific need.

Brainstorm
Who might be able to help you with this particular need? Is it a neighbor you trust? A relative who lives nearby? You might think that you're limited to those people who you already know well, or who you have a lot in common with. But take the time to "think outside the box." Who do you trust? Who are you drawn to? Who is one person in your life that you'd like to get to know better?

Ask
Once you've brainstormed a list of the people who might be able to help, call them. If it's easier for you, write down what you plan to say on a piece of paper. Also, you can even begin your request by saying, "I'm not really comfortable asking for help, but I was wondering if you might be able to do something for me."

Ask with a positive expectation
If you are going to ask you may as well not be too apologetic for it. I’m pretty bad at this, I always feel guilty for asking, especially if it’s family or friends, I feel like I should be able to manage it all myself, of course it’s not possible.

Ask someone who you think can say “yes”
For example you may already know that one set of family members are busy at the weekend and quiet in the week. Tailor your requests to fit with other people’s lifestyles where possible, you’re more likely to get a yes.

Be clear and specific
I used to feel that I was nagging my husband all the time to help with housework, but he would counter by saying that he was helping. The problem was that I was being too vague I was not clear on what I wanted him to do and the kind of help I needed. He was always saying that he was doing what was asked, which he was. When I asked him to take the rubbish to the bin he did, although two days later. If I asked him to do some cleaning, he would wash the dishes. Now I say things like “please take the trash out tonight” and “please could you clean the floor in the kitchen and do the dishes." I ask for exactly what I want and when i need it done. 99% of the time I get it. I’m happy because I’m receiving help and the house is tidy. He is happy because he isn’t being nagged. Simple.

Say Thank You
Of course it goes without saying that it's appropriate to thank someone who helps you. However, there's also reason for a word of caution here: Don't overdo it. You don't have to spend money on a thank you gift! Heartfelt words of appreciation, either spoken or written on paper, are sufficient.

Give Back
Lastly, you can always return the favor in other ways. If your neighbor watches your kids two afternoons a week, double a recipe once in a while and share half of it with her family. Keep your eyes open, and you'll begin to see the ways in which others around you could use your help, too.

Tips:
Asking for help gets easier the more you do it.
Start by asking for help in one small area.
If you're more comfortable, suggest trading tasks.

Well-Being Wednesday - Just Breathe

As I thought about topics to cover for Well-Being Wednesday, I examined what issues I run into again and again and decided (hopefully not narcissistically) that if I have a problem with something, there might be others out there struggling with the same issues. Today’s topic will focus on counteracting the negative effects of stress by using deep breathing.

Now stress has earned a bad reputation, but it actually has a good side. It seems to be one of our universal complaints, and yet stress is a very personal thing. Ask a dozen people what they define as stressful and you’ll probably get a dozen different answers. For example, shopping is stressful for one person, while it is fun for another. Background music may aid concentration for some people but be annoying for others.

Many things in life can be stressful. Some are big stresses like divorce or death of a loved one, moving to a new town, or financial problems. Some are everyday hassles, like waiting in line or contending with traffic, spilled coffee or a stopped-up sink. Just meeting life’s basic needs like having food to eat and a roof over your head can be stressful. Some stresses aren’t even negative events. Weddings, births, vacations, and visiting friends are happy occasions that can also be highly stressful.

So then, what is stress? Quite simply, it is the way your mind and body react to everyday irritations and changes that frighten, anger, or upset you. It is a normal response to a new or challenging situation. Stress can increase your alertness and concentration, sharpen your reflexes and stimulate you to perform well. Stress can help you in passing a test, playing a sport, dealing with heavy traffic or learning a new skill, adjusting to a major lifestyle change, or dealing with slight hassles. Stress can be dealt with in a healthy or unhealthy way. I remember hearing somewhere that stress is like a guitar string: you need a certain amount of tension to make music, but if the string is too tight, it will break.

The secret to managing stress is in how you perceive and react to it. Most people have had a first-hand experience with dealing fine with a situation one time, then the next time getting completely stressed-out over an identical circumstance. You may not have coped as well the second time because you were more tired or weighed down by other stresses.

Unfortunately, some people have an unhealthy view of all change. They see change and everyday hassles as threatening. They view the world through glasses tinted with pessimism and because they expect change to be harmful, it often is. These people often feel overwhelmed by stress.

Other people see change as positive and understand that stress is a fact of life. They realize change is sometimes difficult but can also be helpful. They know change brings new information, new experiences, and opportunities for personal growth. These people seldom let stress get out of control.

Whether you have a natural outlook on life that helps you deal with stress or helps you feel more overwhelmed by stress, we all experience stress. You can’t avoid all stress, but you can counteract its negative effects by learning how to evoke the relaxation response, a state of deep rest that is the exact opposite of the stress response. Dr. Benson first wrote about the relaxation response and I have a link to a few of his books at the end if you want to read more.

The stress response floods your body with chemicals that prepare you for “fight or flight.” But while the stress response is helpful in an emergency where you must be alert, it wears your body down when continuously activated. The relaxation response brings your system back into balance: deepening your breathing, reducing stress hormones, slowing down your heart rate and blood pressure, and relaxing your muscles.

In addition to its calming physical effects, research shows that the relaxation response also increases energy and focus, combats illness, relieves aches and pains, heightens problem-solving abilities, and boosts motivation and productivity. Best of all – with a little practice – anyone can reap these benefits.

The key to bringing about the relaxation response is focused awareness. Your breathing can be the object of that focus. In addition, because the normal breathing patterns can be disrupted by tension, stress, and pain, focusing on how you breathe may provide you with an additional method of relaxing.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

Learning to breathe deep is a great relaxation method. The key to deep breathing is to breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible in your lungs. When you take deep breaths from the abdomen, rather than shallow breaths from your upper chest, you inhale more oxygen. The more oxygen you get, the less tense, short of breath, and anxious you feel. So the next time you feel stressed, take a minute to slow down and breathe deeply:

1. Sit comfortably with your back straight. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
2. Breathe in through your nose. The hand on your stomach should rise. The hand on your chest should move very little.
3. Exhale through your mouth, pushing out as much air as you can while contracting your abdominal muscles. The hand on your stomach should move in as you exhale, but your other hand should move very little.
4. Continue to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to inhale enough so that your lower abdomen rises and falls. Count slowly as you exhale.
   

If you have a hard time breathing from your abdomen while sitting up, try lying on the floor. Put a small book on your stomach, and try to breathe so that the book rises as you inhale and falls as you exhale.

I plan to cover some other methods for achieving the relaxation response in the next few weeks. If you would like more information before then, you might check out the following resources:

Some great books on relaxation:

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook
The Relaxation Response
Beyond the Relaxation Response

Some free relaxation exercises to help you practice deep breathing and other relaxation techniques:

Two relaxation exercises:

http://www.hws.edu/studentlife/counseling_relax.aspx

Free breathing exercise download found here: http://www.holycross.edu/wellness_programming/stress/breathing/

Various Relaxation resources can also be found here: http://www.loyola.edu/campuslife/healthservices/counselingcenter/relaxation.html

Jason Newland has provided many free relaxation audios for download here: http://freerelaxationaudios.com/

Manic Mondays - Tortellini en brodo, An Easy Weeknight Dinner Recipe

I have decided to institute another set top day and today is the inauguration of my first "Manic Mondays" blog post. I have decided that every Monday will involve posts related to surviving the work week without growing crazy. Tips for working moms or anyone with a busy week and limited time to thrive or even survive. I hope to provide information on balance, self-care, homemaking tips, or really anything that will help you make it through a busy work week. Today, I decided to share one of my daughter's favorite recipes. Emma has library day one day a week and for a while, different cookbooks kept coming home. This recipe is a very easy chicken soup recipe that tastes home-made but is really easy to make. Kids seem to like it too. i can't remember the cookbook it came from, but I think it was one by Emeril Lagasse. I found a similar recipe on his website here so this might be the original source.

Tortellini en Brodo (tortellini soup)

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 cups chopped yellow onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
3/4 cup chopped carrots
2 teaspoons minced garlic
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper
8 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth
9 ounces fresh cheese-filled
2 tablespoons minced parsley
Salt, to taste if necessary
1/2 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese

Heat a large saucepan over high heat. Add the olive oil and, when hot, add the onion, celery, and carrots. Saute until soft, about 4 minutes. Add the garlic and crushed red pepper and saute for 2 more minutes. Add the chicken broth and bring to a boil. Cover, reduce the heat to medium-low, and simmer for 20 minutes.Add the tortellini and cook for 5 minutes. Stir in the parsley, taste, and adjust the seasoning if necessary. Remove from heat and ladle into soup bowls.Garnish each bowl with one tablespoon of the cheese. Serve immediately. This will serve 6 to 8 people.

2009 Blog Improvement Project - Week #5 Social Media Carnival

March is the Social Media Carnival for the 2009 Blog Improvement Project, and the first task is to write about how you use a social media tool to improve your blog.

I think this project will be very helpful. I have to admit that my experience with social media is very uneven. Some of the topics mentioned I have never really heard of or if I have heard of them, I certainly haven't understood them, except to see little buttons or links on various websites.

I know we have had a few bloggers posting their reports on Facebook or Twitter, but upon reflection, those are the only social media that I use regularly to give any true opinion on. I do use both and I do feel both have merit and are not the same in their uses or merits. I will try to give some insight on each one, perhaps in a two-part blog post. So let's start with Facebook.

I have already posted a bit on Facebook and basically Facebook is a virtual social experience. Once you sign up for an account, you begin to develop your space there by entering various information in your profile, uploading pictures (if you want), posting links and notes about things of interest to you, and the ability to play games and trade virtual gifts. It is probably even more complex than that, but let's keep it simple. I have said before that Facebook is what you make of it. You can keep your profile as public or private as you want. Mine is set fairly private with only people I actually "friend" having access to my profile and anything on it. Even though my profile is set that way, I also keep my contact information down to a minimum, just my blog address and my email address. If you are very security conscious, you can even remove yourself from being found by searching. I do think being that restrictive will seriously restrict the social media aspects.

I think the thing Facebook does best is to allow you to connect with others in an easy-to-use format. I did read Jack's instructions on ways to promote your blog via Facebook. You can find her post here on her Slightly Off-Center Blog. That is a great use for Facebook. It may be a way to provide more of a Brand or presence on the internet. However, I am still undecided on having my own page. I guess to me it seems a bit narcissistic to create a page for fans to seek me when it feels like few people even know my blog exists. This may be my own therapy issue, but for now I don't intend to pursue this at the moment.

The main ways my blog and my Facebook page interact is to provide (1) another place for people to find my blog; and (2) another way for readers to easily read my content. Number one is done simply by having my blog address listed in my profile. Number two is done by automatically importing my blog posts as they are published to my blog. This is done via the Notes application on Facebook itself.

If you want to be able to automatically import in your blog posts as you post them to your blog, here are some instructions:

(1) Head to the "My Notes" page once you have logged in to Facebook from the home page.

(2) Cllick on "Import a Blog" in the Notes Setting box.

(3) Enter the URL or RSS feed of your blog in the form provided. Be sure to select the box confirming your ownership rights and click the "Start Importing" link.

(4) Confirm that Facebook found the correct blog and choose to "Continue" or "Cancel" depending on the results.

(5) Facebook will now automatically add your new blog posts as notes on your profile.

You can also set the privacy level of your notes by doing the following:

(1) Log in to Facebook and go to the "My Privacy" page (see Resources below).

(2) Edit the settings for the "Friends, Notes, and Facebook Development Platform" section.

(3) In the Notes section, use the drop-down box to select the level of privacy you want your notes to have. The default setting is that everyone on Facebook can see your notes. Be sure to 'Save' your changes.

(4) Go to the "My Notes" page and "Edit Notes Privacy." Since you are importing your blog to Facebook, you will need to change the privacy levels of the notes if you don't want everyone to read them.

(5) Choose exactly who you want to comment on or subscribe to your blog. The default is that anyone who can see your blog can post comments. You may want to turn comments off entirely, so people head to your external blog to add their comments.

I do enjoy Facebook in general, but admit I haven't utilized it to truly maximize my blog promotion. I think that this may be due to the fact that I do like to use Facebook as a forum to connect with my friends rather than develop a business. Although then again, I see my blog as a tool for self expression rather than a business. In closing, I wanted to make sure I answered all of Kim's questions regarding Facebook and my blog. She asked the following:

How do you use this particular tool to improve your blog or relationship with other bloggers? I don't think I have used Facebook for this and that may be a mistake. I am not sure how easy it is to find bloggers you have never heard about directly on Facebook. However, it is a cool place to gather with a group of friends you already know.

How do you balance time between blogging and using social media? This is tough, but I think it is no different than balancing time between blogging and living. You allocate time to each and stay within your limits!

What are some specific things you wish you'd known before you started your chosen your new tool? For me, I wish I could have know how addictive Facebook is but even so I probably would still have jumped in.

Well-Being Wednesday - Healthy Optimism

My topic for Well-Being Wednesday is Optimism. Optimism has been declared a healthy attitude. Optimists are those individuals who anticipate the best outcome and expect pleasurable experiences to occur. Optimism has been associated with an enhanced immune system, and has been found to be a strong predictor of the length of cancer remission.

Martin Seligman has demonstrated that a pessimistic style is associated with depression and general poor health. Pessimists see events that happen to them as stable (“This always happens to me”), global (“I never do anything right.”), and internal (“It’s all my fault.”).

In contrast, optimists see events as unstable (“Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will again.”), specific (“I have trouble with pacing my activities.”), and external (“Other people are responsible for their behaviors, I’m responsible for mine.”).

I do think it is possible to change your own outlook on life if you are willing to put in the work. You simply need to learn to identify your own negative thinking and slowly replace these thoughts with more positive optimistic ones. This method is know as cognitive behavioral therapy. However, I do believe you can challenge your own negative thoughts and become more optimistic without the aid of a therapist, as long as you are willing to put in some effort.

I found some straight-forward tips on WikiHow for those wanting a little more structure and guidance in their pursuit of optimism. You can view the whole article here.

1. Let go of the assumption that the world is against you, or that you were born with a gray cloud over your head. It is an assumption that has no basis in reason or science. To believe that the universe or a spiritual entity has singled you out and shifted the world order just to make your life miserable is both self-centered and illogical. Be humble and stop pretending you've got the world all figured out. Sometimes bad experiences lead to good experiences, and you can't predict the future, so you can't assume it'll always be bad.

2. Look for the source of your pessimism. Deep-rooted negativity can often be traced to childhood experiences, when growing minds observe their circumstances and make presumptions about how the world functions. If all you saw growing up were disappointments, betrayals and failure, it's no surprise that now it's what you expect from the world as an adult. Sometimes we pick up a flair for pessimism from a parent who made negative assumptions about the world somewhere along the line. Either way, the sooner you can attribute your pessimism to a unique set of circumstances rather than the state of the world itself, the easier it'll be to change your perspective.

3. Understand that the past does not equal the future. Just because you've experienced pain or disappointment in the past does not guarantee that it's all you'll experience in the future. There were many things in your past that you couldn't control, and everybody comes across unfortunate circumstances at some point in their lives - you're no exception. But there are also many things in life we can control to one degree or another, and therein lies the possibility of change. A day or week that starts badly will not necessarily end badly. Do not make a bad start turn into a self fulfilling prophecy for a bad ending.

4. See yourself as a cause, not an effect. You don't have to be a product or a victim of your circumstances. Stop thinking about what is happening to you and start thinking about what you can make happen. If you're not happy with the way your life is now, set goals and move on. Use your past negative experiences to build character and make better decisions, instead of letting pessimism turn you into someone who avoids risk at all costs. Sometimes it is necessary to take risks to receive rewards. Moreover, taking no action is taking an action. It is better to play to win rather than merely to avoid losing.

5. Accept pain, failure and disappointment as a part of life, not the entirety of it. Life involves taking many risks every day, and not all of them will end positively. That's what defines risk. But the flip side is that some actions will lead to good results, and it's generally better to have a mixed bag than to have nothing at all. Ideally, the good stuff will outweigh the bad, but you'll never reach that point unless you put yourself out there and hope for the best. When in doubt, remember Lord Alfred Tennyson's words of wisdom:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

6. Be thankful. Everyone has something to be grateful for. Make a list of the good things that have happened to you. If nothing instantly springs to mind, you aren't trying hard enough. The key to being an optimist is recognizing the benefits and possibilities of any situation, and understanding that it could always be worse. If all else fails, think of how life could be worse, and flip the thought process to recognize what you do have. For example: "I'm flunking out of school" can turn into "Well, at least I have a chance to go to school, and I still have time to turn my grades around." Get a notebook and a pen, and write down all the good things that you have. Every time you are feeling negative, read through them and remind yourself that it's not all bad.

7. Use positive affirmations. Write down short statements that remind you of what you're trying to change about the way you see the world. Put them in places where you'll see them every day, such as on your bathroom mirror, the inside of your locker, on your computer monitor, and even taped to your shower wall. Some affirmations to start with are:

• "Anything is possible."


• "I create my circumstances, my circumstances don't create me."


• "The only thing I can control is my attitude towards life."


• "I always have a choice."

8. Remember that life is short. When you feel pessimism clouding your judgment or you start to feel down about the future, remind yourself that every minute counts, and any time spent brooding guarantees nothing but less time to enjoy whatever life might have to offer. At its core, pessimism is impractical because it causes you to spend time dwelling on things that haven't happened yet and aren't guaranteed to happen, and it prevents you from getting things done. Pessimism breeds indecision. It's a waste of time, and time is a limited resource that you can't afford to take for granted.

9. Be a balanced optimist. Nobody's suggesting that you become an oblivious Pollyanna, pretending that nothing bad can or ever will happen. Doing so can lead to poor decisions and invites people to take advantage of you. Instead, be a rational optimist who takes the good with the bad, in hopes of the good ultimately outweighing the bad, and with the understanding that being pessimistic about everything accomplishes nothing. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best - the former makes you sensible, and the latter makes you an optimist.

A patient of mine gave me a copy of the Optimist Creed, put out by Optimist International. I would like to end with this and welcome your comments and observations. Do you think optimism can be cultivated or is it something you are born with?


The Optimist Creed

Promise Yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.